JUDGE: Why did you punch his teeth off?

Why he abuse me?

JUDGE: How did he do that?

VIPee: He insul’ me: “PARK YOU”

JUDGE: Excuse me? How did he say that, again?

VIPee: He say that “PARK YOU!”

JUDGE: So, how is that an insult to warrant an assault on a poor toilet cashier?

VIPee: You don’ kno’, sir, he really insulting me.

JUDGE: How can somebody else ‘park’ you? Are you a car? Is he your driver?

VIPee: (Shakes his head in response as if to confirm to the judge that he is not).

JUDGE: (Signaling the warden) Take him in. 12 months or twelve hundred dollars per a tooth!)

VIPee: No, no, sir. He din say. See, sir. He show me like this… Like this…(shoving his middle digit back and forth in a rhythm)…: “PARK YOU! PARK YOU…!”

JUDGE: (To the victim’s lawyer). Excuse me, how many cows did he say the other day that a tooth fetches in compensation in his village?

VICTIM’S LAWYER: Ma’Lord, two for a tooth. But, Ma’Lord, this case is already in the court of the laws of the nation, so customary courts are…

JUDGE: (Interrupts) Case relegated. Go ye and settle your teeth compensation at your village court.

VIPee: Thang you Malot! Thang you Malot. (To his accuser), You see? Next you refuse me in another round of ‘thar’ (marriage competition) for my little cows, you lose a full jaw, not just two rotten blue tooth!

JUDGE: What? Could you be the idiot who went and raped my sister-in-law in the school latrine after you were rejected with your 21 old cows and bulls…sssshits?

TONG: (the victim to the Judge) Nesib! Nesib! You didn’t get it when my uncle went to your house and told your wife everything about that conman businessman (points at Awan-malony, a.k.a ‘Villager International’).

JUDGE: No, nobody went yo my house or wife for such a case.

TONG: No! Have you forgotten when you were promised 10 cows from the bridewealth after you put that conman behind bars till after the marriage is settled; foods consumed and girl consumated?

COURT CROWD: (springs up in protests and begins throwing plastic bottles and shoes at the judge). Get lost! Thief! Leave our town! You were sacked last time over similar bribes by those 3 unknown gunmen that robbed and killed our pastor.

JUDGE (Exits through the courts back door. The mob goes after him).

WOMAN (Mother to Villager International) Stop that! Stop it! Stupid! Don’t kill yourselves again. You are one tribe!
(Fist fight breaks out in the courtroom, first between Tong and Awan-malony. The rest join in the fracas. Two loads of police pickups arrive. Everybody gets arrested, including the Grade 2 magistrate himself).

Watch this space for Act 2: Scene 3 of the play: VILLAGER INTERNATIONAL (now in the ‘FUCKING LOT’), next week.

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