By Akut Francis
Following the raging news of heavyweights preparing to run (to and from war) for elections sometime back in 2015 – By launching roadshow evengalism and crusades looking for numbers; “saving billions, looting and killing millions ” – they provide hearses for free, get degrees in 6 months and two days, condemning coups, renouncing the use of reasoning (shoot first and aim later) etc etc
Let’s say that I, the P-resident peasant me, in whole and in parts, walks to the tall guts of the Electoral Commission (EC), “I’m not sure if there is one”. Let’s say I tell them that I will henceforth quit breathing, living, eating, calling for peace, farming and ‘bootclicking’ “banydït ke baai”, so as not to have conflict of interest and say that I want to be Honorable “Mpig” (NOTE: ig is loudly silent, always) representing your ‘Bilij’ in the County or Country Assembly; let’s say I promise I will not dip my fingers in any Chinese mega-projects or make friend with any of the “sacked or yet to be sacked MDs of Nile Pet” and that I will not travel Hahahahahappily to Israel, India, and Singapore or ‘Heaven’  for treatment as opposed to sudden death threats.
Let’s say I swear that I will default on the Country’s debts and my own too, and ride the mace like that London fairytale witch when we go for the Conference of ‘We Excellencies’ (PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY MALE RULERS) of the republic of South Sudan. I will not be accompanied by any ‘hallatu’ who is unrelated to, or undeclared or decreed (READ: FVP’s office saga); let’s say I declare to them that I have experience in ‘underdevelopment’ and that ‘X’ the Snake, ‘Y’ the Chameleon and ‘Z’ the Hyena that swindled, Oops! Swallowed 40b would second me for Re-Public Service.

Let’s say the three gentlemen, in their wisdom and without any oil soup, oil wings, oil breasts, oil thighs or even oil gizzard accept my application and publish the crude and clueless me on the ballot papers for the elections of your rain-beaten County or Country’s Mpig and ask you to choose between me and a batallion of four hundred and thirty six other firespitting liars for your only seat. Yours wholly!

“Tell me, dear esteemed and high valued voter, will you mark an ‘X’ against my name and go home happy, or will you spoil your vote and get drunk on regrets for the rest of your next 8 Lifetimes?”

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