By Akut Francis
Yazol, you will walk into a barbershop normally with a simple budget of 50 SSP, get shaved (in the head) normally and then they will direct you to some chair with a white towel around your neck, some lady with soft hands and a cleavage unpredictably deeper than Bill Gate’s pockets and fatter than the Nilepet MD’s paycheque will cheerfully wash your hair.
Then she will direct you, as a cow is directed to the slaughter house, to the third and arguably the last chair in that hair technology process. She will dry your hair softly and sensually, then crack a joke. The tired muscle of and around your head that you trekked with from as far as Gurei to Konyo Konyo market with a transparent white plastic bucket of sandwish, is also greatly touched.
The only difference between that sensual feeling and being in heaven is the absence of milk and honey. Actually honey alone, because the milk in some two fat sacks (that loosely hangs intentionally above your compound eyes when seated) will be shaking infront of your eyes at romantically co-ordinated intervals.
Beraah, Beraah (slowly, slowly) she picks up these devilish tool of hands and starts to perform some ritual on your head with it. You will feel some funny electrical charge flowing from your head through your spine which you will curve in voluntarily into a wavy line, the charge will go down to some private places that have PhD in giving standing ovations.
Still, ‘Beraah Beraah’ she will ask you, Boss let me do you full body massage at ONLY 5,000 SSP, de gurush bessid! “Assured the massage Queen”. In a firespitting evangelist’s voice, you will attempt again and again to try and say “NO” but the devil has already left the dungeons to purposely come and reduce you to a mere wisperer, and now protruding in your dear ‘once-normal-self’ and will use an advance form of metamorphosis to convert the NO to a Yes.
She will ask if you need manicure, pedicure, cutex, lipstick, mascara and 5,000,000 other hair ingredients available, and you won’t even realise you said YES to all the trillion FAQs and suggestions (Frequently Asked Questions) until that time you will be in this famous Juba Public Toilet crying bitterly near the mosque – as more other users of the ‘thinking seat’ in their hundreds queues with these jug-looking ‘leberikas’ of water.
It’s even worse if you owns a V8 and some stolen State fortunes, e.g iPhone, iCar, iCash etc. Because she will even ask you “can we massage your iPhone 8 and the Sleek for you Sir, at a discounted price of ‘ONLY’ 55,000SSP?” and of course you mind the welfare of your gadgets and ‘mith apol’ so you will savour the moment and loudly suggest in agreement.
“Bismillaah!! Halattu, Wat Aaar Yuw Weting Porrrr?”